Why the Rich Don’t (Usually) Get Divorced

Richard’s wealth helps his marriage stay steady. Lauren’s lack of it keeps her trapped in instability. Part 7 of Poverty and Privilege

Editor’s note: This is the story of Richard, a man with generational wealth, and Lauren, a single mom struggling to keep her household afloat. The twist is they both have Ivy League educations but life has turned out very different for each of them. The story is true but names and certain identifying details have been changed.

Look for it every Saturday here on Untrickled.

If you’re new to Poverty and Privilege, you’ll want to start with Part I here.

Divorce is common in every class. But when you’re poor, staying married — even miserably — can feel like the only affordable option. And when the wealthy split, they can usually afford to land on their feet.

Richard thinks it’s easier to stay together when there’s plenty of money in the marriage, and most studies back him up.

How money keeps marriages intact

“Money makes everything easier. Not having to choose between two items at the market, not having to wait until things go on sale, not having to wait for the next paycheck or Social Security check or birthday gift.”

The available cash flow means more than total net worth for most people, he said.

“Most people I know operate on a pretty consistent monthly budget, with big ticket items like house payments, tuition and other child-related expenses, clothing, etc. falling within a reasonably narrow band. And if they miss by a few hundred or even a thousand dollars, they have the savings to make up the difference. Their incomes, similarly, tend to be both consistent and predictable.”

He knows he’s lucky to have generational wealth.

“Among people in my social and economic class, wealth means being able to buy what you want when you want without giving it a lot of thought.” It allows people to prioritize their time and convenience instead of looking for the best deals.

Richard’s primary Visa credit card has a $33,000 a month limit.

“Technically, it has a $33,000 total limit, but since I am able to pay off the balance in full each month, I think of it as a monthly limit. Paying off in full also avoids late fees and interest. And no, I don’t spend that much each month!” he said.

Lauren, on the other hand, constantly looks for sales, coupons and other deals. Comparison shopping can eat hours of time that as a busy mom she doesn’t really have.

Other than Lauren, most people in Richard’s circle have a comfortable level of wealth.

The cost of staying, the impossibility of leaving

Lauren’s best friend, whose initially well-paid husband had a fall from grace (detailed in Part 3) is stuck in a bad marriage.

“She has wanted to divorce her husband for years, but can’t afford to make it on her own. Like me, she also has a mom who needs financial support too, so when it’s already hard to make it on your own, adding in the parent factor compounds the difficulty. Most people I know have remained married, even if unhappily so, just because it’s too difficult to get by yourself.”

Another lawyer friend did divorce her husband after learning he had been in a long-term affair. But it was family money that made it possible for her to do that without facing financial devastation.

“In her case, her parents (real estate developers) were very well off. Her parents were able to buy the husband out of the house and set my friend up financially post-divorce. Her ex-husband was a public school teacher who coached and tutored on the side, and also worked other jobs during the summer. He was making about $160,000, so her child support payments for three kids were decent.”

Class and culture

For a glimpse into a lifestyle built on high income rather than assets, Richard recommends The Bonfire of the Vanities. Its protagonist, Sherman McCoy, complains he can’t easily live on a million dollars a year thanks to the private schools, nannies, exorbitant entertaining costs, etc. that he’s expected to bankroll.

“It’s not really the trust funds,” Richard said. “It’s the consistent, generous cash flow that matters.”

The fictional McCoy has a high salary as a bond trader but no real savings or generational wealth, yet tries to keep up with the standard of living of the people around him who have both.

That’s in contrast to how Richard’s parents built real wealth.

“Once my parents started earning enough from their first-generation business, which they started in 1965, they began saving money, putting it away for a home down payment and my siblings’ and my summer camp expenses. Even though they never expected to pay private school tuition, it was not a financial issue by the time I was a teenager.”

Private school and summer camp tuition these days can cost as much as $50,000 and $20,000 per year. When Richard was a teenager, the numbers were much smaller, namely $3,000 for private school and less than a thousand dollars for camp.

Stand By Your Man?

Love and fidelity aren’t limited to any financial class. Nevertheless, in many cases couples living in poverty feel they can’t afford a divorce. Often it takes both their salaries to eke out a living. And if a woman doesn’t have her own money, she may feel compelled to tolerate her husband’s shortcomings and put up with his poor behavior.

In other cases, money and time demands can wear down marriages that are otherwise loving.

A study in the Journal of Family Psychology notes that “divorce rates have risen much higher for lower-income couples compared to higher-income couples” and theorizes that poorer couples lack not just money but quality time together.

Wealthier couples can free up time together to work on their marriages and try to resolve conflicts by hiring household help, eating prepared meals or in restaurants, and hiring babysitters, for example.

Richard, who happens to be a big fan of classic country music, was recently struck by the messages from Tammy Wynette’s hit song Stand By Your Man.

“I could barely get over the line, ‘You’ll have bad times, and he’ll have good times.’ Women in my circles, privileged by higher education and potentially lucrative careers, do not put up with the same sort of misbehavior that too many working class women who depend on a spouse feel they must.

“It is just not part of the ethos/culture/gestalt of the people with whom I interact on a regular basis.”

Richard speaks with respect of his accomplished wife (detailed in Part 6) and of their marriage. They’ve been together since college.

Richard is no Sherman McCoy

Despite his wealth, Richard and most of his friends don’t live swanky, TV-style lives full of travel, country clubs and fancy clothing and cars like that of the fictional Sherman McCoy.

They spend it on other things, like fishing boats and private sports coaches and travel teams for their kids. Some of the people he knows go to Las Vegas for fun, prefer Nashville over New York or Hollywood and may even vacation in the Ozarks.

Lauren is no Tammy Wynette

She wants her children to have healthy marriages when they grow up.

“My children are already well aware of the economic difficulties we face.” They understand how a lack of money contributes to conflict between their parents.

“I really try to impress upon them the importance of being a partner to your eventual spouse, sharing not just the financial load but the emotional and mental one, too. Having a supportive partner is invaluable. There’s a lot of strength behind the idea of ‘us against the world’ and knowing you’ve got someone to share life’s burdens (and joys) at your side.

“In my case, I often feel overwhelmed. I don’t have a helpmate to make up for my deficiencies or to help me get by. I am doing everything 100 percent all of the time.”

For Richard, money helps avoid problems. For Lauren, lack of money is the problem.

Next week: Privilege Starts in the Playroom

Read the continuing series:

Part 1, Unlikely Allies in an Unequal America

Part 2, The Country Club Lunch

Part 3, One Family’s Fall From the Middle Class

Part 4, Billable Hours Don’t Pause for Birth

Part 5, The Value of $60,000

Part 6, How Marriage and Divorce Shape Financial Futures

About Michelle Teheux

I’m a writer in central Illinois. If you like my work, subscribe to me here and on Medium. I also have a new Substack aimed at authors who want to self-publish books, called The Indie Author. My most recent book is Strapped: Fighting for the soul of the American working class. My most recent novel is The Trailer Park Rules. If you prefer to give a one-time tip, I accept Ko-fi.

All wealthy families are alike; each poor family is poor in its own way.
— Leo Tolstoy, if he had written about a trailer park

For residents of the Loire Mobile Home Park, surviving means understanding which rules to follow and which to break. Each has landed in the trailer park for wildly different reasons.

Jonesy is a failed journalist with one dream left. Angel is the kind of irresponsible single mother society just shakes its head about, and her daughter Maya is the kid everybody overlooks. Jimmy and Janiece Jackson wanted to be the first in their families to achieve the American dream, but all the positive attitude in the world can’t solve their predicament. Darren is a disabled man trying to enjoy his life despite a dark past. Kaitlin is a former stripper with a sugar daddy, while Shirley is an older lady who has come down in the world and lives in denial. Nancy runs the park like a tyrant but finds out when a larger corporation takes over that she’s not different from the residents.

When the new owners jack up the lot rent, the lives of everyone in the park shift dramatically and in some cases tragically.

Welcome to the Loire Mobile Home Park! Please observe all rules.

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