Are You Really Middle Class? Take the Quiz!

Most Americans claim the label. Here’s a tongue-in-cheek way to test whether your lifestyle fits the ‘middle class dream’

In this picture, we see wealth beyond our wildest dreams. Only a really rich person could afford so many washing machines. Photo by Yue WU on Unsplash

Everybody thinks they’re middle class — even most of the poor and rich. But your self-perception may not be accurate.

The federal government doesn’t officially define it, so I decided I would help you all find out once and for all if you are at least middle class. This is a highly scientific quiz designed to help you find out!

Give yourself a point for every yes:

• You can afford to have children if you want them. (You can even afford to feed them all!)

• If you do have kids, you are able to start saving for their college while you also save for your retirement. (Without sending your kids to work in a coal mine or textile mill, even.)

• You can afford to go out for a nice dinner at a sit-down restaurant once a week. (And you can either pay for the kids to eat, too, or even pay the extortion fee for a babysitter.)

• You replace your phone every two to three years. (You need every single new feature. You’re not a caveman.)

• You take at least one vacation per year. (You do not have to sell one of your children to pay for the plane fare).

• You don’t commonly pack a sandwich or leftovers for lunch. You go out to eat with colleagues most of the time. (Bonus if you don’t have to pretend you left your wallet at home in order to make your colleague pay.)

• At the grocery store, you purchase what you want without considering the unit cost. (Only the finest gruel will do for you.)

• You don’t have any idea how much a carton of eggs, gallon of milk or loaf of bread cost. (That’s right: You can feast on an egg sandwich and glass of milk anytime you want, you tycoon.)

• Every spring, you turn on the AC as soon as it gets hot. You turn on your heat as soon as it gets cold in the fall. (You aren’t a peasant from the Middle Ages, for God’s sake. You neither sweat nor shiver.)

• You don’t buy the cheapest toilet paper. (Scratchy paper fibers shall never touch your tush.)

• When your washing machine quits, you buy a new one within the week. (Hell no, you aren’t going to wash a few things out in the bathtub while you figure it out. You want that new machine in place today. And no, you will not install it yourself; you are not the Maytag man.)

• When your car breaks down, you have it towed to a garage. (You don’t call your friends to see who could give you a tow and help you fix it. Your friends don’t know how to fix anything either.)

• You don’t ever pretend to be busy when someone invites you to go see something. (This applies both to the opera and monster truck rallies. You can afford either. Or both.)

• When you read advice to save 10 percent of your income, you wonder why everyone doesn’t already do that. (Just stop buying the Beluga if you must, you stupid poors!)

• You pay for services like dog grooming, carpet cleaning, lawn care etc. (Your time is too valuable to brush a dog or push a mower.)

• You pay for manicures and pedicures and to have your hair colored. Maybe to have your eyebrows groomed. (You deserve it because you work very hard.)

• You have had a professional facial. (How else will you attract/keep a rich mate? That facial will pay for itself.)

• Your car is less than five years old, and you chose it for some reason other than “it was the cheapest and most reliable model I could find.” (You judge others by their cars and assume they’re doing the same.)

• Your closet contains items you have worn only once or not at all. (Hey, you might still wear it eventually.)

• You have paid someone else to paint your house even if you’re physically capable of climbing ladders. (You painted the bathroom once and now you believe you are ready for your own home improvement show.)

• You are not making payments to any medical or dental provider, or making credit card payments toward a medical or dental service you had in the past. (Why not just pay the whole thing immediately and save the hassle?)

• You are able to afford care for your pets. When you need to take one to the vet, you concentrate on the pet’s wellbeing instead of worrying whether you will have enough money to pay for the visit. (Your cat has her own Instagram, Substack and TikTok and brings in big influencer bucks so of course she basically pays for herself.)

• You have favorite brands of things and will pay more to get them instead of always choosing the one with the cheapest unit price. (Does imported cheese even have a unit price?)

• An Amazon or other box shows up on your porch a couple of times per week. (You must mean “per day.”)

• You have more than one streaming service at a time. (As an American, you reserve the right to have two series going at once.)

• You still go to the movies, and you buy popcorn or other snacks when you do. (It’s corn. How expensive could it be?)

• If you lose a tooth, you replace it with an implant. (What are you gonna do, live without that molar? You think not!)

Give yourself a point for every yes

Five or more yesses: You must take out a paid subscription to Untrickled.

Ten or more yesses: Make it a Founder level.

Fifteen or more yesses: You must become a paid Founding subscriber to Untrickled and you must purchase a copy of The Trailer Park Rules.

More than fifteen yesses: You must purchase a copy of The Trailer Park Rules for everyone on your holiday giving list. (I hope you have a very large family.)

Isn’t this just a scam to sell more subscriptions and books?

I am very hurt that you could even suggest such a thing. Here I have provided an important public service to help everyone discover their personal socioeconomic group, and you are questioning my ethics?

I will forgive you provided you purchase a few more copies of my book.

Don’t miss my current special series, Poverty and Privilege, which comes out every Saturday:

Poverty and Privilege is the story of Richard, a man with generational wealth, and Lauren, a single mom struggling to keep her household afloat. The twist is they both have Ivy League educations but life has turned out very different for each of them. The story is true but names and certain identifying details have been changed.

Part 1, Unlikely Allies in an Unequal America

Part 2, The Country Club Lunch

Part 3, One Family’s Fall From the Middle Class

Part 4, Billable Hours Don’t Pause for Birth

Part 5, The Value of $60,000

Part 6, How Marriage and Divorce Shape Financial Futures

Part 7, Why the Rich Don’t (Usually) Get Divorced

Part 8, Privilege Starts in the Playroom

Part 9, Intelligence and Education Are Not Enough

Poverty and Privilege took a hiatus while Richard and his wife vacationed in Europe. It will be back soon!

About Michelle Teheux

I’m a writer in central Illinois. If you like my work, subscribe to me here and on Medium. I also have a new Substack aimed at authors who want to self-publish books, called The Indie Author. My most recent book is Strapped: Fighting for the soul of the American working class. My most recent novel is The Trailer Park Rules. Tips gratefully accepted via Ko-fi.

All wealthy families are alike; each poor family is poor in its own way.
— Leo Tolstoy, if he had written about a trailer park

For residents of the Loire Mobile Home Park, surviving means understanding which rules to follow and which to break. Each has landed in the trailer park for wildly different reasons.

Jonesy is a failed journalist with one dream left. Angel is the kind of irresponsible single mother society just shakes its head about, and her daughter Maya is the kid everybody overlooks. Jimmy and Janiece Jackson wanted to be the first in their families to achieve the American dream, but all the positive attitude in the world can’t solve their predicament. Darren is a disabled man trying to enjoy his life despite a dark past. Kaitlin is a former stripper with a sugar daddy, while Shirley is an older lady who has come down in the world and lives in denial. Nancy runs the park like a tyrant but finds out when a larger corporation takes over that she’s not different from the residents.

When the new owners jack up the lot rent, the lives of everyone in the park shift dramatically and in some cases tragically.

Welcome to the Loire Mobile Home Park! Please observe all rules.

Click to get your copy