A couple of decades ago my daughter went through a rough period of injury then illness. We frequently had to go to the big city hospital a couple of hours away. I quickly figured out that if I dressed way up, in formal business class garb, that we received much better attention and care. After a year I thought maybe it was all in my head so for one appointment I dressed in my normal schlubby comfy clothes, only to be shocked at the degradation in care we received. The lesson was duly learned and keeping my goals in mind, I dressed up for any in-person appointments ever since then.
You know what's refreshing and fortunately still the case? That the upper class in the UK would often wear tatty clothes and drive a filthy battered car (their accent is a give away though)!
Which probably really puzzles a lot of Americans because here the old money isn't on show. It's probably the only place I can think of as Europeans also feel the need for a lot of signifiers.
There is a wonderful book written by an English anthropologist called 'Watching the English' that you might enjoy and covers this topic really nicely!
I just love it when people don't have this need to show off their money and are humble about their privilege (or financial success - if they didn't just inherit the money)
I've always told myself that if I ever win the mother lode one day, I'm going to dress like my usual self (sweats and no makeup) and walk into a Mercedes dealership to see if I get ignored. Whichever salesperson appears to treat me like a customer without judging will get the sale in cash AND a new car for him/herself.
A car salesman “friend” told me once that the really rich dress down when test driving, possibly to try negotiating a better deal. Being a car salesman I have no idea if that was a lie or not 😂
I worked with a men's stylist a few years back and changed most of my wardrobe. (In yet another male privilege, being stylish as a man consists mainly of wearing clothes that properly fit.) I didn't think much of it at first but people treated me entirely differently afterwards. This was most pronounced in clothing stores, funnily enough.
As a Brit in the US, I have deliberately dressed down when making an expensive purchase like a car. I find it gives me a lot more time to contemplate my options without being bothered by pushy sales folk.
Rita Hayworth (one of the most stunning and iconic actresses of Hollywood Golden Age) would often say:
“Men would go to bed with Gilda (her most famous role) and wake up with me. And every time, they were disappointed.”
Actors have known the power of make up since Shakespearean times. And unfortunately, or fortunately, you learn a whole lot about someone who reacts to you when you’re not Instagram ready.
Sometimes, when I see a guy dressed up in button-down shirt, pressed slacks, the right color socks, and leather shoes, I think maybe I should give it a try, but next morning I dress up with lumberjack shirt, T-shirt with a message, pajama pants or blue/black jeans, fairly matching socks, and crocs. I guess I don't really care what people think. ( I always wear some form of pants, though!). My son is a lot wealthier than I am, and when he goes to work, he looks the part, but at home he dresses a lot like me. Is it true that some old-money people show up for breakfast dressed in coat and tie?
I think if people can dress up at breakfast, and they aren't on their way to a job that requires that, it kind of shows that they aren't doing anything physical. I am NOT dressed up right now. First I made sourdough pancakes for my husband (I don't eat breakfast but he does and my sourdough needed to be used up so I could feed it and have it strong enough to make bread -- this is a never-ending thing at my house) and cleaned the kitchen. Then I picked violets (I'm indulging myself in making some violet jelly -- for gifts if it comes out!) and walked my dogs. When I finish writing today, I've got scads of dirty yard work to do. I'll clean myself up AFTER I've finished that dirty work.
I haven’t tried that. I did the candied ones a few years ago and they made lovely cake decorations.
Edit: Apparently that’s what I meant to do but what I actually made was violet syrup. I may bring that story over from Medium today because it’s violet season again.
A friend, leafing through my high school year book from my year as an exchange student, commented: “You stick out like a sore thumb, don’t you. Apart from anything else, your head is a different shape to anyone else’s.” At the time I was doing my best to fit in.
Yes, we were both still very young at this point. Thought to speech went through very little review. She wasn’t being mean, just amazed. There was nothing wrong with either head shape, rural hoosiers ran to squarer and mine is more ovoid. Though, come to think if it, when I considered getting my head shaved, my hairdresser begged me not to: “You don’t have the right head shape to carry off the Sinead look”, he told me, in some concern.
Thank you! I think it is unremarkable too but then I don’t look at it all that much. My feelings were only mildly bruised at the time. I shared because it seemed relevant to the idea of passing as upper class (or French).
Well I know this is not the main point, but I was fascinated by how successfully dowdy and plain Keri Russell was made to look in The Americans. When they wanted to make her invisibly plain (as Martha's "sister-in-law" for example), they made everything the same color: hair, skin, lips, dress, glasses. Zero contrast. At her most vampy, everything was super high-contrast: black hair, red lips, white skin, black dress.
And of course, to your point, there's a fancy way to achieve high contrast, and a low-cost-looking way, too.
How in the world did my comment end up in the middle of that dim-witted basement dweller Michael’s thread? Sheesh. I thought for sure it would show up at the tail end. Sorry about that.
What does it say when a woman basically wears what I call the "Mom Uniform" - leggings, running shoes and a long top/tunic of some kind? She's usually barefaced but sometimes with lipgloss. Oh, and that regulation Mom Bun or Ponytail.
I loved this post - you are very funny, I love picturing you trying to project pantsless confidence.
I used to spend SO MUCH TIME on my appearance. And it didn't matter, because if you are under 40 and attractive, you can't really improve your appearance enough to matter. You're attractive enough. Don't waste your time. And if you're over 40 and attractive, there also isn't anything you can do to improve your appearance enough to matter to people who tend to only focus on people who are under 40 and attractive. Don't waste your time. This has worked perfectly for me.
Hello, SoCal native here! Orange County, specifically. Then Santa Barbara for a while. Lands of Pretty People. I can write a 2500 word essay on why and how looks matter, and nobody on either side of the debate will like it. 🙃 I will say one thing though that I can agree with you on - owning who you are and how you look in that moment, ie, when you realized that you deserved to be sitting there waiting for the ice cream crew so you straightened up and fixed your face - is the most important thing.
I would never make it in California. I cannot deal with fashion, makeup or status symbols. I'm fortunate to live in the Midwest! I can devote my time to so many other matters.
Oh, I'm not referring to fashion. Nor do I condone mistreating folks because of how they look, especially in medical settings! (I read the comments.) I should write something
A couple of decades ago my daughter went through a rough period of injury then illness. We frequently had to go to the big city hospital a couple of hours away. I quickly figured out that if I dressed way up, in formal business class garb, that we received much better attention and care. After a year I thought maybe it was all in my head so for one appointment I dressed in my normal schlubby comfy clothes, only to be shocked at the degradation in care we received. The lesson was duly learned and keeping my goals in mind, I dressed up for any in-person appointments ever since then.
This is really alarming and upsetting.
I had a situation like this at a car dealership for an ongoing issue with my car. I always dress up now too because it's a very real thing!
I don't personally put much effort into it, though.
You know what's refreshing and fortunately still the case? That the upper class in the UK would often wear tatty clothes and drive a filthy battered car (their accent is a give away though)!
Which probably really puzzles a lot of Americans because here the old money isn't on show. It's probably the only place I can think of as Europeans also feel the need for a lot of signifiers.
There is a wonderful book written by an English anthropologist called 'Watching the English' that you might enjoy and covers this topic really nicely!
I wish it were the case everywhere. I’d fit right in with my car and clothes — my midwestern accent is here to stay, though.
Wouldn't it be fun to suddenly stop everyone on the street and run an experiment?
I just love it when people don't have this need to show off their money and are humble about their privilege (or financial success - if they didn't just inherit the money)
I've always told myself that if I ever win the mother lode one day, I'm going to dress like my usual self (sweats and no makeup) and walk into a Mercedes dealership to see if I get ignored. Whichever salesperson appears to treat me like a customer without judging will get the sale in cash AND a new car for him/herself.
A car salesman “friend” told me once that the really rich dress down when test driving, possibly to try negotiating a better deal. Being a car salesman I have no idea if that was a lie or not 😂
I could see how that's true.
Please come to my dealership. Looking forward to doing business with you :D
Rightfully deserved it!
I worked with a men's stylist a few years back and changed most of my wardrobe. (In yet another male privilege, being stylish as a man consists mainly of wearing clothes that properly fit.) I didn't think much of it at first but people treated me entirely differently afterwards. This was most pronounced in clothing stores, funnily enough.
As a Brit in the US, I have deliberately dressed down when making an expensive purchase like a car. I find it gives me a lot more time to contemplate my options without being bothered by pushy sales folk.
This depresses me.
I don’t want this to be true but it appears it is. There’s no hope for people like me who are allergic to fashion!
Rita Hayworth (one of the most stunning and iconic actresses of Hollywood Golden Age) would often say:
“Men would go to bed with Gilda (her most famous role) and wake up with me. And every time, they were disappointed.”
Actors have known the power of make up since Shakespearean times. And unfortunately, or fortunately, you learn a whole lot about someone who reacts to you when you’re not Instagram ready.
How sad. Nobody was more beautiful than Rita Hayworth!
Sometimes, when I see a guy dressed up in button-down shirt, pressed slacks, the right color socks, and leather shoes, I think maybe I should give it a try, but next morning I dress up with lumberjack shirt, T-shirt with a message, pajama pants or blue/black jeans, fairly matching socks, and crocs. I guess I don't really care what people think. ( I always wear some form of pants, though!). My son is a lot wealthier than I am, and when he goes to work, he looks the part, but at home he dresses a lot like me. Is it true that some old-money people show up for breakfast dressed in coat and tie?
I think if people can dress up at breakfast, and they aren't on their way to a job that requires that, it kind of shows that they aren't doing anything physical. I am NOT dressed up right now. First I made sourdough pancakes for my husband (I don't eat breakfast but he does and my sourdough needed to be used up so I could feed it and have it strong enough to make bread -- this is a never-ending thing at my house) and cleaned the kitchen. Then I picked violets (I'm indulging myself in making some violet jelly -- for gifts if it comes out!) and walked my dogs. When I finish writing today, I've got scads of dirty yard work to do. I'll clean myself up AFTER I've finished that dirty work.
Violet jelly???
I haven’t tried that. I did the candied ones a few years ago and they made lovely cake decorations.
Edit: Apparently that’s what I meant to do but what I actually made was violet syrup. I may bring that story over from Medium today because it’s violet season again.
Amen! I am the female version of this 😁
A friend, leafing through my high school year book from my year as an exchange student, commented: “You stick out like a sore thumb, don’t you. Apart from anything else, your head is a different shape to anyone else’s.” At the time I was doing my best to fit in.
Wow. You sure she's a friend?
Yes, we were both still very young at this point. Thought to speech went through very little review. She wasn’t being mean, just amazed. There was nothing wrong with either head shape, rural hoosiers ran to squarer and mine is more ovoid. Though, come to think if it, when I considered getting my head shaved, my hairdresser begged me not to: “You don’t have the right head shape to carry off the Sinead look”, he told me, in some concern.
Best as I can tell from the tiny headshots we have on this platform, your head is completely normal and fine!
Thank you! I think it is unremarkable too but then I don’t look at it all that much. My feelings were only mildly bruised at the time. I shared because it seemed relevant to the idea of passing as upper class (or French).
Well I know this is not the main point, but I was fascinated by how successfully dowdy and plain Keri Russell was made to look in The Americans. When they wanted to make her invisibly plain (as Martha's "sister-in-law" for example), they made everything the same color: hair, skin, lips, dress, glasses. Zero contrast. At her most vampy, everything was super high-contrast: black hair, red lips, white skin, black dress.
And of course, to your point, there's a fancy way to achieve high contrast, and a low-cost-looking way, too.
I found it fascinating, too!
Can the stylists for that show please come to my house and show me how to turn dowdy to amazing?!?
Laughed out loud at your thoughts while waiting outside:) interesting read, thanks very much xo
How in the world did my comment end up in the middle of that dim-witted basement dweller Michael’s thread? Sheesh. I thought for sure it would show up at the tail end. Sorry about that.
Who would want to???
I wouldn't, except when pantless in Florida.
What does it say when a woman basically wears what I call the "Mom Uniform" - leggings, running shoes and a long top/tunic of some kind? She's usually barefaced but sometimes with lipgloss. Oh, and that regulation Mom Bun or Ponytail.
To answer your title question: some people try to, but it's very hard.
I loved this post - you are very funny, I love picturing you trying to project pantsless confidence.
I used to spend SO MUCH TIME on my appearance. And it didn't matter, because if you are under 40 and attractive, you can't really improve your appearance enough to matter. You're attractive enough. Don't waste your time. And if you're over 40 and attractive, there also isn't anything you can do to improve your appearance enough to matter to people who tend to only focus on people who are under 40 and attractive. Don't waste your time. This has worked perfectly for me.
This is a brilliant take!
We’d all be happy to look however we looked when we were in our 20s and were mostly so insecure about ourselves.
oh my god, you are so right - I was da bomb but thought my 25" waist was SO FAT,
I would kill to be as “fat” as I thought I was in my early 20s!
In a horror writer and this sentence is a doozy. Who would you kill and how would you kill them? 🤔
Hello, SoCal native here! Orange County, specifically. Then Santa Barbara for a while. Lands of Pretty People. I can write a 2500 word essay on why and how looks matter, and nobody on either side of the debate will like it. 🙃 I will say one thing though that I can agree with you on - owning who you are and how you look in that moment, ie, when you realized that you deserved to be sitting there waiting for the ice cream crew so you straightened up and fixed your face - is the most important thing.
I would never make it in California. I cannot deal with fashion, makeup or status symbols. I'm fortunate to live in the Midwest! I can devote my time to so many other matters.
Oh, I'm not referring to fashion. Nor do I condone mistreating folks because of how they look, especially in medical settings! (I read the comments.) I should write something
Oh yes, please do! I love that subject.
So true, sadly. I guess that’s why we have aesthetic this and aesthetic that. Chose one feel better ❤️🩹 onwards!
I've chosen "tired old writer" as my personal aesthetic.