A couple of thoughts: You have a LOT of out-put here. I can honestly only read about half. After two years of producing my newsletter at least every 5 days, I switched out to once a week. And sometimes--not often!--I let those last few days in the longer months go, so I'm posting 4 times/month. No one has complained. In fact, most have said "good!" But oh! I had to turn something off in myself to do that!
I'd like to see that you're able to get to your novel!
Also... with the honesty thing, I can't afford $8/month or $75. (In Canadian $$ that's more than I can afford. Yet I'd love to pay something.
Walter Rhein's idea of offering various options in pay levels is maybe something to think about...? I DO appreciate your work!
I so appreciate your comment! And I completely understand that nobody can afford to subscribe to everything they see that’s worthwhile, so no worries. Your comment may spur somebody else to read me, and that counts as support, too.
I hope so. This Subtack thing is TOUGH. I make less now than I did two years ago here. Even with almost 500 pieces in the archive and weekly posts, workshops, and many more subscribers... No one has money, seems to be the answer. And everyone needs to eat!
Unfortunately, I think this is a cycle. I used to do very well on Medium, but that's drying up for most of us, so I switched my emphasis to Substack. I am on the lookout for the Next Big Thing and will make sure I hit it early enough in the cycle to (hopefully) make a few bucks. Of course I'm competing with the AI people who combine the right look and marketing to make money with generated text. It's a losing game. I live a frugal life and write as much as I can. Maybe somebody will make a Netflix series on The Trailer Park Rules. :)
Self-care is not a luxury. It's a responsibility. Has nothing to do with candles or spa treatments....not even close. We have to put the oxygen mask on first in order to take care of the kids and job responsibilities and not the other way around. If you put yourself first, you get the walk in. But when you put kids, hubby and work first...there is no time for the walk. Which seems to be the part most people miss. The kids will not starve or die if they go to bed earlier so mom can get up earlier to take care of herself. There is always an excuse to not do self-care.
I am sorry, if humans can't find time to take care of themselves, then they are wasting their days and why bother?
See, we disagree because you are still thinking it all has to be on your shoulders. And now — although I realize you don’t mean it this way — you’re even shaming people for NOT being able to find time for “self-care.” Sometimes there just is not enough of you to go around, and it’s not because you aren’t trying and aren’t motivated and don’t realize you’re doing too much. IT IS THE SYSTEM, NOT THE INDIVIDUAL.
For those in the parenting trenches: How early can you put the kids to bed? From the time they get home from daycare and the parent(s) get home from work, you have to fit in dinner, homework, bath etc and maybe some other responsibilities depending on age. Can you get that all done by 8 p.m.? That’s going to be a stretch, in my experience. If you have a kid old enough to be in sports or other activities, you can forget it.
I still say we are just expecting too much of everyone, most especially mothers.
I totally agree with you, Michelle. I'm a great-grandmother now, but I had 3 children in four years, and I swear I was exhausted non-stop for at least 10 years. It was only when everyone was in in high school that I finally had time to take a walk every morning...every blessed morning, rain or shine...the cheapest self-care I could afford. A great article....wish I'd seen 50 years ago (!)
THREE KIDS IN FOUR YEARS is a ton of work. I had two kids 2.5 years apart and was exhausted enough. I'd have liked at least one more but it's probably for the best that I didn't.
Saying NO is self-care. Eating an apple is self-care. Not watching shit endlessly on netflix is self-care. Turning off the news is self-care. Praying is self-care. Sitting alone for 10 minutes with no devices and being still is a form of self-care. Not hanging out with losers is self-care.
I can give 100 things that equate to self-care and all are free.
Self-care has nothing to do with money or time...but boundaries and discipline. And it's way deeper than a bubble bath or spa day. And it sure as hell is not reserved for the rich or well off or those who have partners...bc when I was rich and well off and had a partner....I had way less time to take care of myself bc I was too busy worried about everyone else.
I’m not trying to shame anyone- just calling out the excuses.
At my house- bedtime is 8-8:30. That way I then get my time and I can give time to my partner. (The most important relationship we have)
Mother of 3 ages 10-21. My kids have choices and understand sports takes away from free time so choose wisely.
Most importantly…..all of us can learn to say no. Stop people pleasing and taking on more than you can chew. Life is not about being a martyr and Americans think busyness is godliness for some reason. (Wrong) If you can’t brush & floss your teeth & shower daily and take 30 minutes a day for yourself and give an hour to your partner…. That’s not the system…. That’s a you problem.
It’s all about intention. We all get 24 hours a day and we need to take the time for ourselves. It’s imperative for mental health and healthy happy relationships.
Sometimes it IS a matter of needing to say no. Sometimes you aren't able to say no. I should have turned down the extra proofing work but the thing is, that agency originally gave me that work mostly because I was desperate, and now I am all trained in doing it and I don't feel like I can say no because they did me a favor and the freaking Fortune 500 company this project is for cannot ever manage to offer a reasonable turn-around time. So saying no isn't always easy or the best thing. I am not as desperate now as I was when I started doing it ... but I might well be again six months from now. This project drops a few times a year and never with any notice. They always want it right away and the agency now depends on me to help. So I don't want to let them down. They're paying me well to do it. It just landed when I was already way overextended this time because the other ad agency I do stuff for also buried me. I know lots of other people can tell a similar story.
Each time I would stay with my daughter to help her out when the kids were little, I would be DETERMINED BY GOD to get those kids into bed early and would fail every time! There weren't enough hours between all of them getting home and the kids' bedtime. I'd be rushing two picky eaters through dinner hoping to get them into bed by 8. I never managed! Maybe I'm just not good with time, but I also can point to a pretty huge amount of labor I do get done.
I totally hear you. Not just the words — but the weight underneath them. The pressure, the obligation, the “I can’t drop any of these balls or everything falls apart” feeling. I’ve been there more times than I can count, and you’re right… saying no isn’t always that simple.
Sometimes we can’t say no. Sometimes it’s layered with survival, loyalty, timing, gratitude — or just plain fear of what happens if we say no now and things change six months from now. I get that. I’ve lived that too.
But I also want to gently offer this: there are always ways to carve out space for yourself. They just might not look like the picture-perfect version we’re told they should.
Maybe it’s not an 8:00 bedtime — maybe it’s quiet time in their rooms while you decompress. Maybe it’s not saying no this time, but making a plan for next time. Maybe it’s asking what can shift, instead of trying to hold it all.
Because if we keep putting ourselves dead last, it does catch up to us eventually. Not out of punishment — just because we’re human. And I say this with all the love: your daughter needs you healthy and present long-term, and you deserve that for yourself too.
You are clearly doing a ton. No one reading this would doubt your work ethic or your heart. But I hope you remember that you matter too. Even 30 minutes a day for yourself is something. Doesn’t have to be fancy. Just intentional.
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just stretched too thin. And I promise, you’re allowed to make changes. Little ones. Even now.
I think this response is making some inaccurate assumptions. You have a partner to help you make time -- that's a big help. Many people are widowed, divorced, or solo parents...so by using names like "martyr" or "excuses" you do sound like you're shaming or scolding. When people's commentary is based on their own experience it prevents people from seeing outside of it, and that's a kind of care we need to learn too. I wouldn't say it's a "you problem" because that, too, sounds like scolding and I'm not a fan of shaming other adults. But it is good to listen to other's experiences.
Actually....I do not have a partner to help me with anything. I am a divorced single mom who parallel parents with a toxic man and his disgruntled wife who go out of their way to make my life more challenging. But I do have a boyfriend who lives in his own home across town with his own kid, and if we aren't intentional about our time and boundaries, there would be no time for our relationship. In fact, we often go many days (7-10) between our own visits bc of our time schedules. But that doesnt mean I can't carve out 30-60 minutes in a day for myself and a facetime call with someone important to me.
As a single mom taking care of a home and kids and pets and trying to build a business...I still have choices.
When I was married, I was a martyr and "did it all" and put myself last. But at least the kitchen was clean and those fancy meals on the table.
But now, as much as I hate a messy home- I accept that I can do the dishes or I can tend to my own needs. I can read "17 stories" to the kids or I can read the kids ONE. I can enlist the kids in 3 sports or I can list them in 1 or none! I learned to honor my yes and my no and if it does not align with my specific top 3 priorities, it's a fat NO.
I get it...but your first or second sentence was "my partner." I don't think people are choosing between 17 books and one, or 30 dolls and two. The point is that sometimes the choices are either no reading, or no work. Of course we need to set boundaries and say no. I appreciate that part of it. Some have more choices than others, and I'm glad.
I was trying to use a word most would relate to bc prioritizing partners is a must too.
I was also referring to the original article which mentioned 17 books etc.
And at the end of the day- the kids won’t die or be traumatized bc they didn’t get a bedtime story. That’s just overrated stay at home mom BS inflicting shame on parents doing their best.
Ah, maybe not 17 -- I was exaggerating there. But I do think reading at least one bedtime story is pretty important. It was a priority for me, and I did raise two kids who still read for enjoyment as adults, so I don't regret that. Even though at one point I literally read aloud the freaking LOTR trilogy, which was kind of out of hand.
This certainly resonates with something I always say in my articles here: We need to end billionaire rule and start a brand new system. One where we don't worry about money and putting in a certain number of hours to get a certain amount back, but one where we receive the full fruit of our labor for working simply the necessary hours to get the job done, not the number of hours doing it. Automation can take care of all the tedious and most drawn out stuff, so our work time requirements are a fraction of what they are today. Having to work at least 40 hours per week and still not make ends meet is indeed a sign of a corrupt system that doesn't care about either our physical or psychological health.
The entire working class needs to stop voting to maintain billionaire rule and start opposing the system itself as a united front.
Yes, we are. And the billionaires know that the extended work week, and everything you mentioned that keeps us too busy and exhausted to put our attention to anything other than just going through the same routine endlessly.
We likely need things to get really bad, to the point that the working class is no longer able to tolerate going through the motions. Or until enough happens that they collectively shrug off their apathy and learned helplessness to start a mass movement specifically designed to overthrow the entire Capitalist Duopoly -- and not side with one wing over the other, like we've been doing for far too long.
Yes, yes, YES. The 40-hour workweek is a scam, and we’ve been brainwashed to accept it like it’s normal. By the time you factor in commuting, prepping, decompressing — it’s really 50+ hours a week just to barely get by while someone else builds their empire.
And if a company expects that kind of time without even offering benefits? That’s straight-up exploitation.
I run my own business and I’ll never ask anyone — especially moms — to work more than 30 hours. If you don’t have ownership in the business, you shouldn’t be sacrificing your life for it. Period.
This is exactly why people are burned out, disconnected from their families, and too exhausted to take care of themselves. It’s not laziness. It’s a system that was built to drain us.
We need a new way — one that values people, not just profit.
I would have welcomed working only 40 hours when I was still in news. I allowed myself to be horribly exploited. If you’ve read Trailer Park, you know what I mean. I lived Jonesey’s life.
That's why a system that runs on profit and money has to go. It's an archaic system anyway, as commodifying products in a post-industrial society where the technology exists to produce an abundance for all and to greatly shorten work requirements no longer makes sense. Such a system, were we collectively own all the industries and automation, and run it to satisfy human needs rather than the profit interests of a few, would truly value people rather than profit.
Yep. Aptly noted: Hampster not Rat race. I use my term, “Well, I gotta get back on the wheel.” You're just like cold water thrown in my face. WAKE UP!….and yes, this Sculptors body begs for more money for massages, but, I got your message. Go woman go! Tear those illusions down. em in Paris.
This perspective you share on the poverty “rat-race” — for those truly stuck in it — is absolutely accurate.
Time is not money half so much as money means time. Poverty of time soon becomes the heaviest burden of monetary scarcity.
Escape eludes solution, because time, space, and “wherewithal” are essential to end the relentless cycles of insufficiency.
No one who has never experienced real want of basic resources will ever understand this truly. But it is the mark of a civilized society, that those who have help those who have not.
Self care as described in this terrific article is yet another sneaky way to get us to blame ourselves. Think of the whole reducing your carbon footprint push. We aren’t the problem. It’s any industry that wants to protect profits and capitalize on our ‘individualism’ culture.
And yet I'm still hanging my laundry up to dry and diligently recycling and mending things and trying to reduce my energy consumption etc. Meanwhile, f'ing Bezos is making a lavish display of waste and doing it with dollars he extracts from the public.
First of all, I think hanging clothes on the line is a humbling thing we can all learn from. In fact, I was wondering the other day if I could do that in my backyard the way my grandmother did. But this right here is what sets us apart from Bezos and the like. We are nothing like them, so why let their abundance take away from ours?
I too have never ordered door dash , never ordered user. Had Netflix a few times for particular things I wanted to watch but not at this time. Working fulltime and paying the bills for 2 keeps me busy and any time I have I spend doing art or writing a short story, things that are is extremely important to me.
I have family who live in rural Mississippi and they are very frugal and it's so refreshing when I am around them. If it's not broke don't fix it and if it is broke, then fix it.
They have clotheslines in the back yard, drive their cars until they die and even grow their own produce. The best part is they have a stockpile of money and nothing to worry about in that area. But when I am around them, I feel inspired to be more like them. They are not wasteful. Everything feels lighter when I am there.
Thank you for inspiring me as well....I think I am going to piss off my neighbors and hang a clothes line on the back porch....
My kids are all grown and have kids of their own but you don't forget the long nights with kids who are too excited to sleep or sick and we needed to stay up with them. We never forget all of the sacrifices we made to see our kids grow up to be the successes they turned out to be.
Now, with everything starting to crumble around us, we're still on the hamster treadmill trying to make ends meet every month, with no finish line in sight. There's always something new on the horizon to pay for. And this is only going to get worse in the near future.
I am not one to despair but I have sighed heavily of late as I see what's looming on the financial horizon in the U.S. Now my nagging question is, do I stay or do I exercise an option to go somewhere else before it all collapses? I have children and grandchildren in the U.S. that I would miss if we go. I also have other lesser ties to things in the U.S. that would be tough to give up.
Then there is the question of, is the grass greener on the other side? I'm still evaluating that question but I'm running out of time. At my age, I need to make a decision soon or give it up and deal with the repercussions of watching the U.S. economy collapse. Decisions, decisions.
Meanwhile, as I'm evaluating my options, I'm still working some to make a little extra cash now and again. I gave up months ago of trying to make any money writing but I still do a little IT gig work now and again to help things out. If I should be the recipient of a financial windfall, that would go a long way towards making my decision. But that's like whistling in the wind.
I will beg to differ on ONE thing you mentioned. Going for a walk. It's free and pretty much anyone can find 30 minutes in a day to do it. And they SHOULD do it...especially the overworked/underpaid crowd, because it's good for mental health. It's like free therapy (because the average person can't afford that either). Going for a walk outdoors in fresh air can change and save your entire day. You can take your kids with you if you have small kids.
Walking is also free therapy. I couldn't afford therapy after my son died, which is such bullshit. But I could put on my shoes and go outside for a walk. That's all I had, and I was sure grateful for nature therapy. It's the only thing that saved me.
I'll tell you what indulgent self-care would look like to me. The ability to go see a dentist. It's been nearly 10 years because I haven't had benefits in that long. We do have free healthcare here in Canada but it doesn't cover everything.
I have two dogs BEGGING me for a walk today. I haven't done it yet. Everything is neglected while I catch up on the stuff that's due by the end of the month. I will take them later, as I explain to Mr. Joe. I am not sure he gets it.
I thought in Canada you had access to dental? That's terrible. Each time I've gone without dental for a prolonged time, it's been a disaster. Is there any way you could see a dentist while traveling? I know it's sometimes more accessible elsewhere. I'm sure you've already thought of that, though.
I just updated my last comment. We have free healthcare but that has never included dental. And I haven't travelled since 2019. Can't afford that either right now. Pandemic job loss and paying for my son's death expenses depleted every ounce of savings I had. I'm still crawling out of that hole.
I agree 100%! It is definitely the system, right along side patriarchy, and societal expectations. Being a mother, working full time+, cooking, cleaning, school things, sports, homework, baths, bedtime rituals, packing lunches, transporting all over town, blah blah blah.
I was so stressed out when the kids were still home and I was working 50 hrs a week, I complained to my doctor about how I was coping. His suggestion was to join a fitness center and get more exercise to relieve stress. Talk about deaf. Like I was going to find time to get to the gym every other day. He was so completely oblivious to what I was trying to tell him. But he proved your point. You have to have time and money for self care. Most of us do not have enough of either to indulge in care luxuries.
Besides I was taught I had to work like a dog to pay my own way in life. So there was no rest for me until everything else and everybody else was taken care of first. So the system and my brainwashing forbid indulging in myself. Capitalism at its finest.
This is my anthem. I fucking love love love this song! Compassionate and angry lyrics that are full of love. All resting in a base of uplifting music ❤️🤸
And I doubt you’re saying, “Wow, five pieces of quality long-form writing each week, 30 to 40 hours of freelance work each month and a couple of books each year is a lot!” You’re saying, “Sounds about right.”
For me, make that 3-4 pieces of long-form writing every week, plus 30-40 hours of freelance work. It is insane, what we do.
It's absolutely insane. I don't have the mental bandwidth to do any more. I'm at my wit's end. And right now I cannot get back into my novel. Well, there are actually THREE that are in progress. I am dying to write them. But I have to get through the freelance stuff first.
I agree 100%, Michelle. Self-care as portrayed in the media is a luxury. I am now able to afford self-care on a regular basis. In the past 18 months my self-care has included: replacing BOTH my hearing aids ($4800), replacing my bed mattress ($1600), and having three foot care treatments ($220).
For me these expenses were the best form of self-care, as all three contributed to my improved physical and mental health. Next month's self-care is the dentist, and the month after that, new eyeglasses. All of these make me feel better, and reinforce my financial security that I can afford them at last, after having needed all of them for at least 2 years.
Let me leave you with a quote from Emily St. John Mandel, author of The Glass Hotel: "Luxury is a weakness."
I'd like to see how the people who can indulge in self-care would manage for a weekend literally in the wilderness - just a pup tent, no food except what you can bring with you, hunt, fish or gather, no bottled water to drink (filter your own with decontaminating tablets), no hot water, no electricity, no internet, no phone. My best guess would be "not at all."
Or, maybe we could just ask one of them to take care of YOUR family, house and kids for a weekend - by themselves, no helpers. That might be too much for some.
Yes!!! For me, next month is my mammogram. Self-care that must be done.
If we aren't taking care of ourselves, who is going to take care of our kids?? And how will they learn to take care of themselves and so-on.
Sadly, influencer culture has turned this much needed life skill into luxury bullshit. Do I really want to get a mammogram? no, but I am going to. Did you really want to spend almost 5k on hearing aides....probably not. But that is self-care. It's TAKING CARE of ourselves even when we'd rather spend that time or money on other things.
I wrote a similar statement as part of an essay I published last year called the Joy of Sox. It pointed out that most self-care takes work to set up, and who has money or time--even an hour-long warm bath means I'd have to get up before my kids wake up and scrub the bath! (In the essay, I noted that I found some delightful socks that made me feel good...even that cost some money but at least it was a smidgeon of self care! Anyway it was published in Open Secrets Mag if you're curious to look.)
No, I'm saying, that's a ton of fucking writing, Michelle! Some of the hardest work there is! I was never more inclined to rummage for a snack or remember an urgent phone call to make when I was trying to get a pr article or grant proposal out the door. And you need some downtime between output, something brain-clearing. Or I did, which is maybe why I don't write anymore.
And yes, all the value has been sucked out of the system by we all know exactly who. I had three kids in 3.5 years (twins). When their dad died eight years ago, I didn't need his social security to make it. It's ended now since the twins graduated high school, and making more than I ever did, I can't afford groceries. Thank god for my partner.
Now that we're done with this school district, maybe we can move across the river to Illinois so we can at least have some blue state protections for my trans oldest (and a lower cost of living maybe). Idk if my partner will be welcome, since he's a birthright citizen of Middle Eastern ancestry. The fact that we have to make these calculations in the USA is utterly sickening. <3
You admit that you do not have to pay for self care. WHY do not you discuss important things like the failure of the USA to make sure that WORKING PEOPLE (NOT people who do not work when they are able to) get proper health care and a living wage so they can support their families. That is what people care about!
Wow--this SO resonates. Every word is TRUTH.
A couple of thoughts: You have a LOT of out-put here. I can honestly only read about half. After two years of producing my newsletter at least every 5 days, I switched out to once a week. And sometimes--not often!--I let those last few days in the longer months go, so I'm posting 4 times/month. No one has complained. In fact, most have said "good!" But oh! I had to turn something off in myself to do that!
I'd like to see that you're able to get to your novel!
Also... with the honesty thing, I can't afford $8/month or $75. (In Canadian $$ that's more than I can afford. Yet I'd love to pay something.
Walter Rhein's idea of offering various options in pay levels is maybe something to think about...? I DO appreciate your work!
I so appreciate your comment! And I completely understand that nobody can afford to subscribe to everything they see that’s worthwhile, so no worries. Your comment may spur somebody else to read me, and that counts as support, too.
I hope so. This Subtack thing is TOUGH. I make less now than I did two years ago here. Even with almost 500 pieces in the archive and weekly posts, workshops, and many more subscribers... No one has money, seems to be the answer. And everyone needs to eat!
Unfortunately, I think this is a cycle. I used to do very well on Medium, but that's drying up for most of us, so I switched my emphasis to Substack. I am on the lookout for the Next Big Thing and will make sure I hit it early enough in the cycle to (hopefully) make a few bucks. Of course I'm competing with the AI people who combine the right look and marketing to make money with generated text. It's a losing game. I live a frugal life and write as much as I can. Maybe somebody will make a Netflix series on The Trailer Park Rules. :)
Self-care is not a luxury. It's a responsibility. Has nothing to do with candles or spa treatments....not even close. We have to put the oxygen mask on first in order to take care of the kids and job responsibilities and not the other way around. If you put yourself first, you get the walk in. But when you put kids, hubby and work first...there is no time for the walk. Which seems to be the part most people miss. The kids will not starve or die if they go to bed earlier so mom can get up earlier to take care of herself. There is always an excuse to not do self-care.
I am sorry, if humans can't find time to take care of themselves, then they are wasting their days and why bother?
See, we disagree because you are still thinking it all has to be on your shoulders. And now — although I realize you don’t mean it this way — you’re even shaming people for NOT being able to find time for “self-care.” Sometimes there just is not enough of you to go around, and it’s not because you aren’t trying and aren’t motivated and don’t realize you’re doing too much. IT IS THE SYSTEM, NOT THE INDIVIDUAL.
For those in the parenting trenches: How early can you put the kids to bed? From the time they get home from daycare and the parent(s) get home from work, you have to fit in dinner, homework, bath etc and maybe some other responsibilities depending on age. Can you get that all done by 8 p.m.? That’s going to be a stretch, in my experience. If you have a kid old enough to be in sports or other activities, you can forget it.
I still say we are just expecting too much of everyone, most especially mothers.
I totally agree with you, Michelle. I'm a great-grandmother now, but I had 3 children in four years, and I swear I was exhausted non-stop for at least 10 years. It was only when everyone was in in high school that I finally had time to take a walk every morning...every blessed morning, rain or shine...the cheapest self-care I could afford. A great article....wish I'd seen 50 years ago (!)
THREE KIDS IN FOUR YEARS is a ton of work. I had two kids 2.5 years apart and was exhausted enough. I'd have liked at least one more but it's probably for the best that I didn't.
I think you missed the point. People who are struggling rarely have the time or money for self-care, and it actually ENDS UP BEING WORK to set it up!!
I think everyone is missing the point.
Saying NO is self-care. Eating an apple is self-care. Not watching shit endlessly on netflix is self-care. Turning off the news is self-care. Praying is self-care. Sitting alone for 10 minutes with no devices and being still is a form of self-care. Not hanging out with losers is self-care.
I can give 100 things that equate to self-care and all are free.
Self-care has nothing to do with money or time...but boundaries and discipline. And it's way deeper than a bubble bath or spa day. And it sure as hell is not reserved for the rich or well off or those who have partners...bc when I was rich and well off and had a partner....I had way less time to take care of myself bc I was too busy worried about everyone else.
That is the point everyone is missing.
Good points you have made, Jennifer. See my reply to Michelle above.
I’m not trying to shame anyone- just calling out the excuses.
At my house- bedtime is 8-8:30. That way I then get my time and I can give time to my partner. (The most important relationship we have)
Mother of 3 ages 10-21. My kids have choices and understand sports takes away from free time so choose wisely.
Most importantly…..all of us can learn to say no. Stop people pleasing and taking on more than you can chew. Life is not about being a martyr and Americans think busyness is godliness for some reason. (Wrong) If you can’t brush & floss your teeth & shower daily and take 30 minutes a day for yourself and give an hour to your partner…. That’s not the system…. That’s a you problem.
It’s all about intention. We all get 24 hours a day and we need to take the time for ourselves. It’s imperative for mental health and healthy happy relationships.
Thanks for the article topic.
Sometimes it IS a matter of needing to say no. Sometimes you aren't able to say no. I should have turned down the extra proofing work but the thing is, that agency originally gave me that work mostly because I was desperate, and now I am all trained in doing it and I don't feel like I can say no because they did me a favor and the freaking Fortune 500 company this project is for cannot ever manage to offer a reasonable turn-around time. So saying no isn't always easy or the best thing. I am not as desperate now as I was when I started doing it ... but I might well be again six months from now. This project drops a few times a year and never with any notice. They always want it right away and the agency now depends on me to help. So I don't want to let them down. They're paying me well to do it. It just landed when I was already way overextended this time because the other ad agency I do stuff for also buried me. I know lots of other people can tell a similar story.
Each time I would stay with my daughter to help her out when the kids were little, I would be DETERMINED BY GOD to get those kids into bed early and would fail every time! There weren't enough hours between all of them getting home and the kids' bedtime. I'd be rushing two picky eaters through dinner hoping to get them into bed by 8. I never managed! Maybe I'm just not good with time, but I also can point to a pretty huge amount of labor I do get done.
I totally hear you. Not just the words — but the weight underneath them. The pressure, the obligation, the “I can’t drop any of these balls or everything falls apart” feeling. I’ve been there more times than I can count, and you’re right… saying no isn’t always that simple.
Sometimes we can’t say no. Sometimes it’s layered with survival, loyalty, timing, gratitude — or just plain fear of what happens if we say no now and things change six months from now. I get that. I’ve lived that too.
But I also want to gently offer this: there are always ways to carve out space for yourself. They just might not look like the picture-perfect version we’re told they should.
Maybe it’s not an 8:00 bedtime — maybe it’s quiet time in their rooms while you decompress. Maybe it’s not saying no this time, but making a plan for next time. Maybe it’s asking what can shift, instead of trying to hold it all.
Because if we keep putting ourselves dead last, it does catch up to us eventually. Not out of punishment — just because we’re human. And I say this with all the love: your daughter needs you healthy and present long-term, and you deserve that for yourself too.
You are clearly doing a ton. No one reading this would doubt your work ethic or your heart. But I hope you remember that you matter too. Even 30 minutes a day for yourself is something. Doesn’t have to be fancy. Just intentional.
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just stretched too thin. And I promise, you’re allowed to make changes. Little ones. Even now.
Sending you love 💜
I think this response is making some inaccurate assumptions. You have a partner to help you make time -- that's a big help. Many people are widowed, divorced, or solo parents...so by using names like "martyr" or "excuses" you do sound like you're shaming or scolding. When people's commentary is based on their own experience it prevents people from seeing outside of it, and that's a kind of care we need to learn too. I wouldn't say it's a "you problem" because that, too, sounds like scolding and I'm not a fan of shaming other adults. But it is good to listen to other's experiences.
Actually....I do not have a partner to help me with anything. I am a divorced single mom who parallel parents with a toxic man and his disgruntled wife who go out of their way to make my life more challenging. But I do have a boyfriend who lives in his own home across town with his own kid, and if we aren't intentional about our time and boundaries, there would be no time for our relationship. In fact, we often go many days (7-10) between our own visits bc of our time schedules. But that doesnt mean I can't carve out 30-60 minutes in a day for myself and a facetime call with someone important to me.
As a single mom taking care of a home and kids and pets and trying to build a business...I still have choices.
When I was married, I was a martyr and "did it all" and put myself last. But at least the kitchen was clean and those fancy meals on the table.
But now, as much as I hate a messy home- I accept that I can do the dishes or I can tend to my own needs. I can read "17 stories" to the kids or I can read the kids ONE. I can enlist the kids in 3 sports or I can list them in 1 or none! I learned to honor my yes and my no and if it does not align with my specific top 3 priorities, it's a fat NO.
I get it...but your first or second sentence was "my partner." I don't think people are choosing between 17 books and one, or 30 dolls and two. The point is that sometimes the choices are either no reading, or no work. Of course we need to set boundaries and say no. I appreciate that part of it. Some have more choices than others, and I'm glad.
I was trying to use a word most would relate to bc prioritizing partners is a must too.
I was also referring to the original article which mentioned 17 books etc.
And at the end of the day- the kids won’t die or be traumatized bc they didn’t get a bedtime story. That’s just overrated stay at home mom BS inflicting shame on parents doing their best.
Ah, maybe not 17 -- I was exaggerating there. But I do think reading at least one bedtime story is pretty important. It was a priority for me, and I did raise two kids who still read for enjoyment as adults, so I don't regret that. Even though at one point I literally read aloud the freaking LOTR trilogy, which was kind of out of hand.
That is true. No one should shame a parent for such a thing.
This certainly resonates with something I always say in my articles here: We need to end billionaire rule and start a brand new system. One where we don't worry about money and putting in a certain number of hours to get a certain amount back, but one where we receive the full fruit of our labor for working simply the necessary hours to get the job done, not the number of hours doing it. Automation can take care of all the tedious and most drawn out stuff, so our work time requirements are a fraction of what they are today. Having to work at least 40 hours per week and still not make ends meet is indeed a sign of a corrupt system that doesn't care about either our physical or psychological health.
The entire working class needs to stop voting to maintain billionaire rule and start opposing the system itself as a united front.
If only I could figure out how to get the entire working class -- and at least half of the middle class -- to come together!
We are instead always distracted by nonsensical things that barely affect the lives of most of us.
Yes, we are. And the billionaires know that the extended work week, and everything you mentioned that keeps us too busy and exhausted to put our attention to anything other than just going through the same routine endlessly.
We likely need things to get really bad, to the point that the working class is no longer able to tolerate going through the motions. Or until enough happens that they collectively shrug off their apathy and learned helplessness to start a mass movement specifically designed to overthrow the entire Capitalist Duopoly -- and not side with one wing over the other, like we've been doing for far too long.
Yes, yes, YES. The 40-hour workweek is a scam, and we’ve been brainwashed to accept it like it’s normal. By the time you factor in commuting, prepping, decompressing — it’s really 50+ hours a week just to barely get by while someone else builds their empire.
And if a company expects that kind of time without even offering benefits? That’s straight-up exploitation.
I run my own business and I’ll never ask anyone — especially moms — to work more than 30 hours. If you don’t have ownership in the business, you shouldn’t be sacrificing your life for it. Period.
This is exactly why people are burned out, disconnected from their families, and too exhausted to take care of themselves. It’s not laziness. It’s a system that was built to drain us.
We need a new way — one that values people, not just profit.
I would have welcomed working only 40 hours when I was still in news. I allowed myself to be horribly exploited. If you’ve read Trailer Park, you know what I mean. I lived Jonesey’s life.
Is your book a memoir?
That's why a system that runs on profit and money has to go. It's an archaic system anyway, as commodifying products in a post-industrial society where the technology exists to produce an abundance for all and to greatly shorten work requirements no longer makes sense. Such a system, were we collectively own all the industries and automation, and run it to satisfy human needs rather than the profit interests of a few, would truly value people rather than profit.
Yep. Aptly noted: Hampster not Rat race. I use my term, “Well, I gotta get back on the wheel.” You're just like cold water thrown in my face. WAKE UP!….and yes, this Sculptors body begs for more money for massages, but, I got your message. Go woman go! Tear those illusions down. em in Paris.
This perspective you share on the poverty “rat-race” — for those truly stuck in it — is absolutely accurate.
Time is not money half so much as money means time. Poverty of time soon becomes the heaviest burden of monetary scarcity.
Escape eludes solution, because time, space, and “wherewithal” are essential to end the relentless cycles of insufficiency.
No one who has never experienced real want of basic resources will ever understand this truly. But it is the mark of a civilized society, that those who have help those who have not.
Self care as described in this terrific article is yet another sneaky way to get us to blame ourselves. Think of the whole reducing your carbon footprint push. We aren’t the problem. It’s any industry that wants to protect profits and capitalize on our ‘individualism’ culture.
And yet I'm still hanging my laundry up to dry and diligently recycling and mending things and trying to reduce my energy consumption etc. Meanwhile, f'ing Bezos is making a lavish display of waste and doing it with dollars he extracts from the public.
First of all, I think hanging clothes on the line is a humbling thing we can all learn from. In fact, I was wondering the other day if I could do that in my backyard the way my grandmother did. But this right here is what sets us apart from Bezos and the like. We are nothing like them, so why let their abundance take away from ours?
I have a pic of my ingenious setup in one of my recent posts. Check it out!
https://open.substack.com/pub/michelleteheux/p/modern-conveniences-selectively-declined?r=79vqn&utm_medium=ios
Love that!! Love this part even more:
"I’ve never ordered DoorDash. I’ve never ordered an Uber. I don’t have Netflix....I’m starting to think I might be a bit of an outlier."
I want to be more like you in this realm.
Be careful! Being more like me could be dangerous!
I too have never ordered door dash , never ordered user. Had Netflix a few times for particular things I wanted to watch but not at this time. Working fulltime and paying the bills for 2 keeps me busy and any time I have I spend doing art or writing a short story, things that are is extremely important to me.
I have family who live in rural Mississippi and they are very frugal and it's so refreshing when I am around them. If it's not broke don't fix it and if it is broke, then fix it.
They have clotheslines in the back yard, drive their cars until they die and even grow their own produce. The best part is they have a stockpile of money and nothing to worry about in that area. But when I am around them, I feel inspired to be more like them. They are not wasteful. Everything feels lighter when I am there.
Thank you for inspiring me as well....I think I am going to piss off my neighbors and hang a clothes line on the back porch....
I have mesh and nylon grocery bags, we compost, garden with no pesticides and try to make our own cleaning products. And Big Oil gets subsidies
My kids are all grown and have kids of their own but you don't forget the long nights with kids who are too excited to sleep or sick and we needed to stay up with them. We never forget all of the sacrifices we made to see our kids grow up to be the successes they turned out to be.
Now, with everything starting to crumble around us, we're still on the hamster treadmill trying to make ends meet every month, with no finish line in sight. There's always something new on the horizon to pay for. And this is only going to get worse in the near future.
I am not one to despair but I have sighed heavily of late as I see what's looming on the financial horizon in the U.S. Now my nagging question is, do I stay or do I exercise an option to go somewhere else before it all collapses? I have children and grandchildren in the U.S. that I would miss if we go. I also have other lesser ties to things in the U.S. that would be tough to give up.
Then there is the question of, is the grass greener on the other side? I'm still evaluating that question but I'm running out of time. At my age, I need to make a decision soon or give it up and deal with the repercussions of watching the U.S. economy collapse. Decisions, decisions.
Meanwhile, as I'm evaluating my options, I'm still working some to make a little extra cash now and again. I gave up months ago of trying to make any money writing but I still do a little IT gig work now and again to help things out. If I should be the recipient of a financial windfall, that would go a long way towards making my decision. But that's like whistling in the wind.
I will beg to differ on ONE thing you mentioned. Going for a walk. It's free and pretty much anyone can find 30 minutes in a day to do it. And they SHOULD do it...especially the overworked/underpaid crowd, because it's good for mental health. It's like free therapy (because the average person can't afford that either). Going for a walk outdoors in fresh air can change and save your entire day. You can take your kids with you if you have small kids.
Walking is also free therapy. I couldn't afford therapy after my son died, which is such bullshit. But I could put on my shoes and go outside for a walk. That's all I had, and I was sure grateful for nature therapy. It's the only thing that saved me.
I'll tell you what indulgent self-care would look like to me. The ability to go see a dentist. It's been nearly 10 years because I haven't had benefits in that long. We do have free healthcare here in Canada but it doesn't cover everything.
I have two dogs BEGGING me for a walk today. I haven't done it yet. Everything is neglected while I catch up on the stuff that's due by the end of the month. I will take them later, as I explain to Mr. Joe. I am not sure he gets it.
I thought in Canada you had access to dental? That's terrible. Each time I've gone without dental for a prolonged time, it's been a disaster. Is there any way you could see a dentist while traveling? I know it's sometimes more accessible elsewhere. I'm sure you've already thought of that, though.
I just updated my last comment. We have free healthcare but that has never included dental. And I haven't travelled since 2019. Can't afford that either right now. Pandemic job loss and paying for my son's death expenses depleted every ounce of savings I had. I'm still crawling out of that hole.
I agree 100%! It is definitely the system, right along side patriarchy, and societal expectations. Being a mother, working full time+, cooking, cleaning, school things, sports, homework, baths, bedtime rituals, packing lunches, transporting all over town, blah blah blah.
I was so stressed out when the kids were still home and I was working 50 hrs a week, I complained to my doctor about how I was coping. His suggestion was to join a fitness center and get more exercise to relieve stress. Talk about deaf. Like I was going to find time to get to the gym every other day. He was so completely oblivious to what I was trying to tell him. But he proved your point. You have to have time and money for self care. Most of us do not have enough of either to indulge in care luxuries.
Besides I was taught I had to work like a dog to pay my own way in life. So there was no rest for me until everything else and everybody else was taken care of first. So the system and my brainwashing forbid indulging in myself. Capitalism at its finest.
This is my anthem. I fucking love love love this song! Compassionate and angry lyrics that are full of love. All resting in a base of uplifting music ❤️🤸
https://youtu.be/ozL1rmcI-eY?si=DZUwa30WHuWwGTiT
Ain't nobody got time for ... anything!
And I doubt you’re saying, “Wow, five pieces of quality long-form writing each week, 30 to 40 hours of freelance work each month and a couple of books each year is a lot!” You’re saying, “Sounds about right.”
For me, make that 3-4 pieces of long-form writing every week, plus 30-40 hours of freelance work. It is insane, what we do.
It's absolutely insane. I don't have the mental bandwidth to do any more. I'm at my wit's end. And right now I cannot get back into my novel. Well, there are actually THREE that are in progress. I am dying to write them. But I have to get through the freelance stuff first.
Boy, do I hear you. Whether I write for myself or not depends how long the freelance to do list is. Hear you to my bones!
I agree 100%, Michelle. Self-care as portrayed in the media is a luxury. I am now able to afford self-care on a regular basis. In the past 18 months my self-care has included: replacing BOTH my hearing aids ($4800), replacing my bed mattress ($1600), and having three foot care treatments ($220).
For me these expenses were the best form of self-care, as all three contributed to my improved physical and mental health. Next month's self-care is the dentist, and the month after that, new eyeglasses. All of these make me feel better, and reinforce my financial security that I can afford them at last, after having needed all of them for at least 2 years.
Let me leave you with a quote from Emily St. John Mandel, author of The Glass Hotel: "Luxury is a weakness."
I'd like to see how the people who can indulge in self-care would manage for a weekend literally in the wilderness - just a pup tent, no food except what you can bring with you, hunt, fish or gather, no bottled water to drink (filter your own with decontaminating tablets), no hot water, no electricity, no internet, no phone. My best guess would be "not at all."
Or, maybe we could just ask one of them to take care of YOUR family, house and kids for a weekend - by themselves, no helpers. That might be too much for some.
Yes!!! For me, next month is my mammogram. Self-care that must be done.
If we aren't taking care of ourselves, who is going to take care of our kids?? And how will they learn to take care of themselves and so-on.
Sadly, influencer culture has turned this much needed life skill into luxury bullshit. Do I really want to get a mammogram? no, but I am going to. Did you really want to spend almost 5k on hearing aides....probably not. But that is self-care. It's TAKING CARE of ourselves even when we'd rather spend that time or money on other things.
"Like someone on minimum wage who just got their rent jacked up!" To those of us who can relate to that, that paints a very compelling picture!!
I wrote a similar statement as part of an essay I published last year called the Joy of Sox. It pointed out that most self-care takes work to set up, and who has money or time--even an hour-long warm bath means I'd have to get up before my kids wake up and scrub the bath! (In the essay, I noted that I found some delightful socks that made me feel good...even that cost some money but at least it was a smidgeon of self care! Anyway it was published in Open Secrets Mag if you're curious to look.)
No, I'm saying, that's a ton of fucking writing, Michelle! Some of the hardest work there is! I was never more inclined to rummage for a snack or remember an urgent phone call to make when I was trying to get a pr article or grant proposal out the door. And you need some downtime between output, something brain-clearing. Or I did, which is maybe why I don't write anymore.
And yes, all the value has been sucked out of the system by we all know exactly who. I had three kids in 3.5 years (twins). When their dad died eight years ago, I didn't need his social security to make it. It's ended now since the twins graduated high school, and making more than I ever did, I can't afford groceries. Thank god for my partner.
Now that we're done with this school district, maybe we can move across the river to Illinois so we can at least have some blue state protections for my trans oldest (and a lower cost of living maybe). Idk if my partner will be welcome, since he's a birthright citizen of Middle Eastern ancestry. The fact that we have to make these calculations in the USA is utterly sickening. <3
You admit that you do not have to pay for self care. WHY do not you discuss important things like the failure of the USA to make sure that WORKING PEOPLE (NOT people who do not work when they are able to) get proper health care and a living wage so they can support their families. That is what people care about!
I talk about that non-stop.
Good! I'm glad. I wish more people would pay attention to these things like you do.