I think the difficulty for a lot of people is silos and distance. My theatre friends are all over the place. Some live an hour away. There are some ladies in my Zumba class who seem nice and the class has two potlucks a year which I went to and enjoyed, but it’s difficult to know what else we might have in common. With the political climate, people are wary of making new connections. I’d love to get together with other Substackers or Medium writers? Is there a way to find which ones live nearby?
The geographical problem is real! But sometimes in summer I invite our next-door neighbor (a single lady about a decade older than my husband and me) to come over for a glass of wine by the pond. We don’t have a deep connection but it’s still pleasant to tip a glass with a neighbor. Not every gathering has to be composed of your absolute closest friends.
I’m in central Illinois. Always open to getting together!
I've suggested to the Substack folks that writers and readers have the option of including where they live in their mini-bio. I make no secret that I live in NYC. It can be as general as anyone wants.
I was coming here to say the same thing - about silos and distance. I live in Brooklyn, and love having people over to my home (and do regularly!), but I also get the sense that asking people to come to your home is considered a bit selfish, because you are asking them to travel to you instead of meeting them in a more “convenient” spot between your two homes. I also notice that aside from my immediate neighbors, very few people invite me to their homes.
I love everything you write and enjoy following you. I'm probably close to twice your age . . . or maybe even more . . . and feel like you're a "bosom buddy!" (Trans: old English)
During the pandemic my hubby and I were the objects of a financial scam that evaporated the equity we had gained when selling our home. Fortunately we are feisty, still able to train our workshops and thanks to social security, qualify for low-income housing! For nowk anyway. The apartment is small yet big enough for small friendly gatherings and we are young-at-heart great-grandparents and happy campers!
Personal development trainers for 50 years, we are currently and peppily doing what it takes in this challenging era to launch a new webinar business for the grandparent generation! I'd love to have you follow me as I launch my substack career! I invite you and any others who resonate with my blurbs to check me out at Marilyn Atteberry, 88 and Still Blooming. And I'll love comments from younger subscribers too! I'm still learning.
Thanks Michelle for the inspiration to keep on truckin'!
Well, Michelle . . . not quite twice as old. I turn 89 in May. I plan to live purposefully until at least 100. My hubby, also an octogenarian, and I are presently creating a new biz to attract grand and great-grandparents who want to foster within their family a legacy of compassion, understanding, responsibility . Grandparents with a strong intention to live the rest of our years purposefully working to build a world that works for EVERYONE . . . starting in our own homes.
Great article, and good points, Michelle! I am inspired now to forget about the easy way - a restaurant- and instead put in a little effort and have a ten-times more memorable gathering. When we were young couples with little kids we might have been sitting on the front lawn on a summer evening when a neighbor family would walk by. We’d say, “come sit down, we’ve got cokes!” And they’d say, “we’ve got a bag of chips! We’ll bring a couple of lawnchairs and we’ll be right back!” Those were happy days. We’d laugh and the kids would play and we’d all watch the stars come out.
That sounds lovely! I really miss that. We used to sit on our porch when we (ex and I) had little kids because we didn’t have AC. He’d play his guitar. All the other white people stayed inside. Our Black neighbors were outside grilling and socializing, though.
We used to invite a crowd over every Thursday night for supper. My husband cooked a different meal every week, based around a chunk of beef or pork (though he’d make vegetarian dishes if needed). That all ended with COVID, alas.
Love this. I live in a HCOL area and I struggle with this given our small home (we have a ratty screened porch that extends our footprint in the warmer months). I think I’m just going to get over it and do small plates and assume everyone will eat wherever and we’ll make it work. I’ve also noticed potlucks have died out too. I spent my 20’s in groovy communities where potlucks are the norm; not so much anymore. Maybe I’ll try and reawaken that!
I'd never heard of a third space before today and I can't believe there's an idea that people should pay for it lol. Sounds strange.
This post was nostalgic...I used to have gatherings all the time in my 20s and 30s. We'd play loud music, dance, BBQ, etc. I miss those days! In my 40s not so much because I was traveling pretty frequently. Travel was my social outlet.
And then my 50s...here we are. I'm too busy scrambling to stay afloat to even want to gather lol.
I totally should. I think nowadays it’s more difficult to get people to commit and show up! Everyone seems to be in Hermit 2.0 mode! Especially in winter when it’s -25.
You know, I did a Zoom gathering last year for no reason other than to gather and lots of people came! It was so fun to just chat with no agenda and nothing to sell. Maybe it's time to throw another one 😊
I was not this way as a young adult but now in my 40s I strive to be this way. Last night I was with a group and people just brought whatever they had for snacks. Half bottles of wine and bags of chips. Some leftover bread and dip from another event. It was a great way to use up what we had and no one cared it wasn’t fancy or didn’t “go together”.
When my mom and her older sister both ended up divorced and with absolutely no money in the ‘70’s (food was much more expensive then relative to incomes) they threw big gatherings. Mom’s thing was soup and homemade bread. My aunt’s thing was spaghetti. Of course people brought wine and beer. I remember a lot of laughter and music—at some point a guitar would be hauled out and we’d all sing together.
I absolutely love bread and soup. It’s peasant food at its best! A loaf of homemade sourdough and a big pot of soup feed a lot of people for not much money, and it’s not just nourishing but truly delicious. We women are often very good at taking a few things and transforming them into something great. We do it with food, yes, but also with so much more. Contrast three households staying home vs all of them sharing a meal and live music!
With a still-ongoing pandemic and so much denialism and total disregard for other people's health & safety, socializing is no longer available as an option or priority especially for disabled, chronically ill, and other vulnerable people. Choosing between family & friends that refuse to practice precautions like masking up in public spaces and my health means I have to choose my health for I have no backup support I can count on. American Society is nowhere inclusive and caring as it was somewhat pre-pandemic. Till that changes, socializing is available only to a select population.
The outdoors is so nice when the weather allows. Much safer. I bought a couple of air purifiers not long ago which I hope makes indoor entertaining safer.
I've always wanted to live in a community somewhat similar to the Native American village, that had an Animal skin full of plants and occasional animals hanging over an open fire for the members of the tribe to dip into when hungry. World Central Kitchen comes to mind, and I try to donate regularly to their efforts to feed traumatized populations around the world. By the way, how the hell did that animal skin hanging over an open fire avoid catching fire?
The liquid keeps it from burning! Of course you can’t let it get too close to open flame, I’d imagine. I’ve never done that, and it would freak my vegetarian husband out, but otherwise I could try it because my dad does hunt. I could use a deerskin. I’m usually up for trying out the old ways.
One of my great joys is spending a couple hours in the kitchen making food for friends. I don't go out to eat very often so really enjoy it when I do! My (affordable) third spaces also include libraries, parks, museums, a local public conservatory, going biking or skiing and my beloved YMCA. Sure, I pay for it but I'm keeping healthy and my membership supports their programs.
I think the difficulty for a lot of people is silos and distance. My theatre friends are all over the place. Some live an hour away. There are some ladies in my Zumba class who seem nice and the class has two potlucks a year which I went to and enjoyed, but it’s difficult to know what else we might have in common. With the political climate, people are wary of making new connections. I’d love to get together with other Substackers or Medium writers? Is there a way to find which ones live nearby?
The geographical problem is real! But sometimes in summer I invite our next-door neighbor (a single lady about a decade older than my husband and me) to come over for a glass of wine by the pond. We don’t have a deep connection but it’s still pleasant to tip a glass with a neighbor. Not every gathering has to be composed of your absolute closest friends.
I’m in central Illinois. Always open to getting together!
I've suggested to the Substack folks that writers and readers have the option of including where they live in their mini-bio. I make no secret that I live in NYC. It can be as general as anyone wants.
There should be an opt-in for this.
David, this is a really good idea. I've got the Canadian flag in my profile as kind of a bat-signal to other Canadians lol.
Interestingly, I have met a few of Substackers in real life who live in or near me and it's so awesome!
That’s great. I envy you. So far, I have only found one guy near me who writes about local politics and I’m pretty sure does not dare my values.
It's amazing what we can do now with Zoom. Of course it's nothing like in person but a great alternative.
ugh...
I was coming here to say the same thing - about silos and distance. I live in Brooklyn, and love having people over to my home (and do regularly!), but I also get the sense that asking people to come to your home is considered a bit selfish, because you are asking them to travel to you instead of meeting them in a more “convenient” spot between your two homes. I also notice that aside from my immediate neighbors, very few people invite me to their homes.
Really? Selfish to prepare food, drink and entertainment? That’s surprising to me.
You would be welcome here as well, and I cook Italian and Irish food.
I’m a pure bred California Girl who moved to Reno,NV just b4 the pandemic.
That’s great. I envy you. So far, I have only found one guy near me who writes about local politics and I’m pretty sure does not share my values.
Lmao at "crop the evidence of poverty out of the shot" !!!
It’s a skill I’ve honed!
Me too! I usually just say I'm editing my lazy housekeeping out but it's not incorrect to call it poverty.
Love this!
And, I believe Third Spaces are still needed.
Think of young people, who don't have their own places. Particularly young LGBT kids who may not feel comfortable (or even safe) in their own homes.
They need a safe space to gather and exchange thoughts and ideas.
But we are 100% aligned when it comes to building community, one household at a time. Beginning with your own.
❤️
I love everything you write and enjoy following you. I'm probably close to twice your age . . . or maybe even more . . . and feel like you're a "bosom buddy!" (Trans: old English)
During the pandemic my hubby and I were the objects of a financial scam that evaporated the equity we had gained when selling our home. Fortunately we are feisty, still able to train our workshops and thanks to social security, qualify for low-income housing! For nowk anyway. The apartment is small yet big enough for small friendly gatherings and we are young-at-heart great-grandparents and happy campers!
Personal development trainers for 50 years, we are currently and peppily doing what it takes in this challenging era to launch a new webinar business for the grandparent generation! I'd love to have you follow me as I launch my substack career! I invite you and any others who resonate with my blurbs to check me out at Marilyn Atteberry, 88 and Still Blooming. And I'll love comments from younger subscribers too! I'm still learning.
Thanks Michelle for the inspiration to keep on truckin'!
I’m 59 TODAY so if you’re really twice as old as me that’s quite impressive!
You have a great attitude — must come from being 118 years old :)
Well, Michelle . . . not quite twice as old. I turn 89 in May. I plan to live purposefully until at least 100. My hubby, also an octogenarian, and I are presently creating a new biz to attract grand and great-grandparents who want to foster within their family a legacy of compassion, understanding, responsibility . Grandparents with a strong intention to live the rest of our years purposefully working to build a world that works for EVERYONE . . . starting in our own homes.
Happy birthday!! 🎂 🥳
My folks called it "having company." As in "we're having company Sunday afternoon." Yes!
I'm one of those folk! My hubby and I love to "have company.:
I remember "having company." As a kid, that was always exciting because my mom's company would bring their kids and I'd have people to play with.
Exactly! We had a family with four daughters visit once in awhile. I grew up with three brothers... so those visits were extraordinary!
Great article, and good points, Michelle! I am inspired now to forget about the easy way - a restaurant- and instead put in a little effort and have a ten-times more memorable gathering. When we were young couples with little kids we might have been sitting on the front lawn on a summer evening when a neighbor family would walk by. We’d say, “come sit down, we’ve got cokes!” And they’d say, “we’ve got a bag of chips! We’ll bring a couple of lawnchairs and we’ll be right back!” Those were happy days. We’d laugh and the kids would play and we’d all watch the stars come out.
That sounds lovely! I really miss that. We used to sit on our porch when we (ex and I) had little kids because we didn’t have AC. He’d play his guitar. All the other white people stayed inside. Our Black neighbors were outside grilling and socializing, though.
We used to invite a crowd over every Thursday night for supper. My husband cooked a different meal every week, based around a chunk of beef or pork (though he’d make vegetarian dishes if needed). That all ended with COVID, alas.
That sounds AMAZING. I hope you can start it up again!
It was wonderful. At this point, half our friends have moved away, and we’re moving in a couple of weeks.
Love this. I live in a HCOL area and I struggle with this given our small home (we have a ratty screened porch that extends our footprint in the warmer months). I think I’m just going to get over it and do small plates and assume everyone will eat wherever and we’ll make it work. I’ve also noticed potlucks have died out too. I spent my 20’s in groovy communities where potlucks are the norm; not so much anymore. Maybe I’ll try and reawaken that!
You definitely should help bring it back!
I'd never heard of a third space before today and I can't believe there's an idea that people should pay for it lol. Sounds strange.
This post was nostalgic...I used to have gatherings all the time in my 20s and 30s. We'd play loud music, dance, BBQ, etc. I miss those days! In my 40s not so much because I was traveling pretty frequently. Travel was my social outlet.
And then my 50s...here we are. I'm too busy scrambling to stay afloat to even want to gather lol.
Throw a casual party anyway. I’d I lived nearby, I’d come!
I totally should. I think nowadays it’s more difficult to get people to commit and show up! Everyone seems to be in Hermit 2.0 mode! Especially in winter when it’s -25.
Make it a zoom party and I'll come! Unless you live in Reno! My hubby and I'll attend either!
You know, I did a Zoom gathering last year for no reason other than to gather and lots of people came! It was so fun to just chat with no agenda and nothing to sell. Maybe it's time to throw another one 😊
That is a great idea!
I’ve been meaning to do it again for my Wildhood peeps. Stay tuned!
I was not this way as a young adult but now in my 40s I strive to be this way. Last night I was with a group and people just brought whatever they had for snacks. Half bottles of wine and bags of chips. Some leftover bread and dip from another event. It was a great way to use up what we had and no one cared it wasn’t fancy or didn’t “go together”.
More of this! I love that spirit!
When my mom and her older sister both ended up divorced and with absolutely no money in the ‘70’s (food was much more expensive then relative to incomes) they threw big gatherings. Mom’s thing was soup and homemade bread. My aunt’s thing was spaghetti. Of course people brought wine and beer. I remember a lot of laughter and music—at some point a guitar would be hauled out and we’d all sing together.
I absolutely love bread and soup. It’s peasant food at its best! A loaf of homemade sourdough and a big pot of soup feed a lot of people for not much money, and it’s not just nourishing but truly delicious. We women are often very good at taking a few things and transforming them into something great. We do it with food, yes, but also with so much more. Contrast three households staying home vs all of them sharing a meal and live music!
Yes to IRL interactions. Zooms work too if geography is a barrier. Next are phone calls. Also comments on my favorite Substacks!
With a still-ongoing pandemic and so much denialism and total disregard for other people's health & safety, socializing is no longer available as an option or priority especially for disabled, chronically ill, and other vulnerable people. Choosing between family & friends that refuse to practice precautions like masking up in public spaces and my health means I have to choose my health for I have no backup support I can count on. American Society is nowhere inclusive and caring as it was somewhat pre-pandemic. Till that changes, socializing is available only to a select population.
The outdoors is so nice when the weather allows. Much safer. I bought a couple of air purifiers not long ago which I hope makes indoor entertaining safer.
I've always wanted to live in a community somewhat similar to the Native American village, that had an Animal skin full of plants and occasional animals hanging over an open fire for the members of the tribe to dip into when hungry. World Central Kitchen comes to mind, and I try to donate regularly to their efforts to feed traumatized populations around the world. By the way, how the hell did that animal skin hanging over an open fire avoid catching fire?
The liquid keeps it from burning! Of course you can’t let it get too close to open flame, I’d imagine. I’ve never done that, and it would freak my vegetarian husband out, but otherwise I could try it because my dad does hunt. I could use a deerskin. I’m usually up for trying out the old ways.
When we were kids we had to make our own fun, this is still true.
One of my great joys is spending a couple hours in the kitchen making food for friends. I don't go out to eat very often so really enjoy it when I do! My (affordable) third spaces also include libraries, parks, museums, a local public conservatory, going biking or skiing and my beloved YMCA. Sure, I pay for it but I'm keeping healthy and my membership supports their programs.